


Trying Again

by waterbird13



Series: Tumblr Fics [208]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (still slightly Dean negative), M/M, Past Abuse, Sam's just thinking about it, but honestly after Gadreel or Moc or whenever, but no actual sexual content, no specific setting, past Dean negative, rebuilding relationships, the whole thing is about sex, way after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 19:05:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8113960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterbird13/pseuds/waterbird13
Summary: They've rebuilt their relationship, and things feel good again, trustworthy, real. And now, Sam finds himself wondering...would he have sex with Dean again?





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a piece from Tumblr.
> 
> Sam is debating the merits of sex now that he trusts his brother again. Themes of sex, past abuse/unhealthy relationships, Dean negativity on that way.

Perhaps not shockingly, Sam begins to entertain the idea with a level of seriousness, openness, and willingness that he hadn’t had before not long after Dean drops the subject.

Once it doesn’t feel like Dean is practically demanding sex anymore–not demanding it as in Sam can’t say no, although Sam wasn’t sure about that at first, but rather, with a persistence that made Sam uncomfortable–Sam starts to think about it, maybe even want it. 

Sex with Dean…it had tended to be good. Almost always, in fact. He had to give Dean credit. However he was acting in the rest of their lives, he’d had rules about sex and the bedroom. Sam doesn’t know if it’s simply that Dean prided himself on his sexual prowess too much to let it go over whatever other feelings he might have, or if he was always just naturally inclined to make sure everyone involved was satisfied. Regardless, it had been good.

And a long time past. Sam’s not like Dean, can’t separate sex from everything else. If the rest of their life was resentful, uncomfortable, painful, than Sam didn’t need sex to complicate the situation, no matter that Dean would probably argue that sex fixes problems. So Sam just stops having sex with Dean. It’s better, for the situation.

Eventually, their entire relationship disintegrates. They’re building it back up now, things are better and Sam’s infinitely grateful for that–he misses this, the hand-holding in the car, and the slow touches, light kisses over breakfast and everything else he forced out when it hurt too much to have–but they haven’t had sex yet.

And Dean isn’t asking anymore, but Sam is thinking about it. A lot.

It was always good. He has no doubt it would be good again. He _knows_  Dean won’t hurt him, with sex or otherwise. He does know it, now. It’s not just something he blindly believes anymore. It’s something Dean has proven to him now, time and time again. He believes it. They’re good together, working. They’re _happy_.

It’s not that he thinks sex will make them _more_  happy, that it’s necessary to complete their happiness or anything. It isn’t. They’ve been happy for months now, getting close to a year, ever since Sam reached for Dean’s hand that first time, knowing Dean had changed. But they had enjoyed sex, and Sam thinks they would again.

If he can just not think on the reasons that made him forego it in the first place.

He’s learning to let go, learning to remember the way Dean makes him feel now, and not the bitter, cold, sad way he’d felt when Dean put his hands on him back then, the need to push him away, to not be there when the only way Dean wanted him was for sex. The memories are persistent.

Then again, so is the now, the light touches, the kisses. Dean’s more demonstrable than he ever was before, more serious about this than he was back then, and Sam can see it. Can feel it, all the way through him.

So, the answer is, not today. Probably not tomorrow, either. But he’s thinking about it. And he’s tending to believe that he’s going to get there, soon enough


End file.
